Reconstructing My Faith: Postmodernity, Bullies, and Uncle Carl

Well, you knew we'd eventually get to Mark Driscoll if we started talking about deconstructing and reconstructing my faith, right?

[insert heavy sigh here]

Postmodernity

In the spring of 1997, I attended the GenX church planting conference at Mount Hermon (a Christian retreat center in California). One of the speakers there was Mark Driscoll, who spoke passionately about the collapse of modernity, the rise of post-modernity, and how both of those would likely affect the way leaders taught & led their church communities. At the time, I reacted pretty positively to Mark's "in your face" style of speaking.  (For more personal context on my experience at the conference, you can see my post from 2006 entitled 9 Years Ago.)

What I didn't internalize back in 1997 was that Mark Driscoll had only been leading a church for a year or so. Mars Hill Church (Seattle) was growing rapidly, but he was relatively new to church leadership. His forcefulness, his charisma, his passion, and his humor masked his inexperience... and his tendency towards autocratic leadership.

Gosh, guys, I love what I’m doing. I got charged by a demon-possessed guy in my pulpit, the night we launched I had to exit counsel one of my key leaders, 10 minutes before the sermon, I kicked him out of the church. My worship team left three months ago. We moved six miles in the first three months, and it is… I love it. (quote from that message) 

In fairness, lots of the folks involved in the GenX church movement were pretty young... including me. (I was 33 years old in 1997 - man, that seems like a long time ago.) But you can still hear the echoes in that quote of the "pile of dead bodies" attitude that would overtake Mark D. and Mars Hill in the years ahead. 

There is a pile of dead bodies behind the Mars Hill bus, and by God’s grace it’ll be a mountain by the time we’re done. You either get on the bus or you get run over by the bus. Those are the options. But the bus ain’t gonna stop. This is what we’re doing. (quote from Church Planters Boot Camp, Oct. 2007)

With 29 years of life since that gathering at Mount Hermon, I find myself questioning how completely modernity has collapsed while facing pretty clear evidence that post-modernity has become a bigger & bigger part of our cultural conversations. Mostly I see a mish-mash - a sometimes toxic stew - of beliefs and theories about how the world works (or should work) that borrow from both strains of philosophical thought.

And I struggle with the support I gave Mark Driscoll's teaching & writing. What was it about Mark, about myself (also Mark - heh), that drew me in and convinced me to ignore red flags?

I have some thoughts - but, per the usual here on the akapastorguy blog, that's going to require me to tell you some stories.

Story #1: Bullies

I'd experienced bullying off and on in elementary school and junior high... but it kicked into high gear as a high school freshman. I was a small and not very strong guy with glasses - and an invisible target painted on my back. I particularly hated P.E. class and the whole "locker room antics" where weaker folks (like me) became targets for bigger guys trying to prove just how macho they were. (Looking back at this, I realize that those behaviors were more than "I'm big & dumb & mean" - that those guys had their own aches, pains, fears, and wounds that they were struggling with - but at the time they were simply dangerous people I tried to avoid.)

I had basically two strategies to dissuade bullies:

1. invisibility - try to do as little as possible to attract their attention
2. stiff upper lip - no matter what they did, maintain a stoic face (no crying, no complaining, no taunting, no reaction)

But my salvation from being bullied came not from my strategies - instead, it was a friendship with a much larger acquaintance who firmly noted that I was his friend and he didn't want anyone to mess with me. (God bless you, Tony V.)

Story #2: Uncle Carl

My Uncle Carl was actually my great-uncle Carl... he and my Aunt Beulah married late in life and I only met him once (I think) at about age 5.

I don't remember much about him - if it wasn't for family pictures of him with Aunt Beulah, I probably wouldn't even recognize him. But what I do remember was that he was a tremendously skilled amateur magician who specialized in close-up magic. (Close-up magic is sleight of hand tricks - cards, coins, silks, etc. - performed in tight proximity to your audience.) The wonder of seeing those tricks happen, of things appearing and disappearing, of his tremendous command of fan decks to make beautiful patterns... that's never left me.

When he passed away, my Aunt Beulah made sure that my dad & I got his magic books and paraphernalia. (Dad quickly confiscated his marked card decks - but I was left with the fan decks, the rope tricks, and a library of books on magic.) What I discovered is that performing magic isn't, well, magic - it takes confidence, a great deal of dexterity, and a lot of practice to make it seem easy and magical.

Point of Information: My Peculiar Media Intake Habits

I'm a news addict who doesn't like news shows - particularly those in the "let's get a bunch of supposedly smart people together to yell at each other" mode. 

I watch a limited amount of YouTube - mostly things like Rodney on Watch It Played (game explanations), WDW tips videos (hats off to DSNY Newscast, Touring Plans, Ear Scouts, and Disney Food Blog), and smatterings of the Holderness Family and Legal Eagle.

I seldom if ever watch sermons (including my own) - as much as I love truth and hearing God's word preached, I'd rather be forced to watch unboxing videos shot without a tripod than suffer through most church services (my current church is an exception, of course).

I read - a lot. A good bit of stuff on the Internet but also actual physical books - either from the local library or my own bookcase. Weirdly enough, most of my online reading is not about spiritual matters - even as I'm currently reading physical copies of two different devotionals, a couple of books (Don't Let Nobody Turn You Around & God, the Science, the Evidence: The Dawn of a Revolution), and have a stack of commentaries sitting at my feet.

Back to the Question At Hand: How Did I Get Drawn In?

This post has been "under construction" for almost two years because answering that question is... complicated. The disconnected stories you just read are my best attempt to give you some context and metaphors for the musings that follow.

• As I already told you, I don't listen to recorded sermons. So my interaction with Mark Driscoll's teaching was filtered simply through what he was writing. That means I got less of the "Chris Rock goes to church" vibe he liked to lay down in preaching & speaking but still all of the Teflon-coated certainty that was part and parcel of his writing about church leadership.
• I've been a summer missionary, a church staff member, a church planter, and a lead pastor of various churches over nearly thirty years. I cannot emphasize enough how much appeal there is to someone telling you "this is the way to do this" and "it's OK to be taking flak - that means you're over the target". Because the two things that are common to all of those ministry positions are (1) not feeling confident about what you're doing and (2) taking flak (criticism, hostility, attempts to fire you from your ministry position, etc.).
• For a kid who was bullied, congregational church ministry can feel an awfully lot like you were just magically transported back to junior high. I never experienced the physical intimidation I had as a teenager when I was serving a church, but emotional and spiritual bullying were par for the course. 
• For a minister who was bullied, Dricoll's "damn the torpedoes" attitude toward opposition was incredibly attractive. It wasn't that I wanted to be Mark Driscoll - I could sense the potential problems in leaning into that persona - it was that I liked hearing about someone standing up to the bullies.
• Here's the problem inherent in that: Mark Driscoll is, at best, an unreliable narrator of his own story. 
• For a very deep dive into the Mars Hill story (and, by extension, the ministry journey of Mark Driscoll), the podcast series The Rise & Fall of Mars Hill from Christianity Today is excellent.
• I wanted certainty - the bedrock assurance that I was doing the right thing and that my position as a pastor/church leader put me on the side of rightness and goodness. In exchange, I was willing to gloss over elements of Mark's message that were disturbing or problematic.
• I also wanted desperately to be able to do magic (grow a church, see people cross the line of faith, etc.)... ignoring that no single pastor has ever grown a healthy congregation. It takes not just personal confidence but the confidence of a group of believers in the presence and power of Christ. It requires flexibility to react to the moment rather than simply putting a plan in motion and running the bus over anyone who won't get onboard. And it's a marathon, not a sprint - a "long obedience in the same direction".
• Interesting aside: I first came upon long obedience in the same direction as a title of a Eugene Peterson book on the Psalms... but Peterson borrowed the quote from Friedrich Nietzsche.

And Then I Woke Up

I don't specifically remember what caused me to push Mark's books aside - it was probably the plagiarism scandal. Any residual goodwill was crushed by the choices that followed the death of Mars Hill Church. 

I'm not really sure how to end this wandering post. I've tried three or four different ways to approach it and all of them end with too much finger-pointing at broken people and too little self-examination on my own part. In the case of Mark Driscoll, that seems really easy for me to do. 

For me, the important thing wasn't to stop listening to Mark Driscoll - though that certainly wasn't a bad idea. The key was to start listening to what was bubbling out of my heart & mind that would cause me to ignore and/or excuse unhealthy and unChristlike teaching because it "felt good". 

And that's bigger than getting rid of books by "the cussing pastor".

This is the ninth post in a series... if you'd like to read the first eight, here they are:

#1: Reconstructing My Faith: Rocks, Dross, and Almonds

#2: Reconstructing My Faith: Syndrome, Mars, and the "F" Word

#3: Reconstructing My Faith: Cheaters, Ice, and Déjà vu

#4: Reconstructing My Faith: Flywheels, Smokescreens, and The Medicine

#5: Reconstructing My Faith: John Wayne, Straight Lines, and the Benefits of Being a Nerd

#6: Reconstructing My Faith: Pedigrees, Car Crashes, and Saying Goodbye

#7: Reconstructing My Faith: Worst. Church. Service. Ever.
#8: Reconstructing My Faith: A Question, The Rapture, And Dreaming of Escape

Top 100 Songs: #10-#1

I've finally reached the top ten songs... and interestingly enough, two songs feature Steve Taylor on lead vocals and two songs written by The Call appear. Not to mention the fourth song on the countdown from a single album ends up at number one.

• #10: Violent Blue (Chagall Guevara - 1991)
• I've loved this song from the minute it started playing on the cassette player in my car that first time… but it's taken on a particular resonance in the last decade or so with so many folks I know who pushed down their long-held beliefs and principles in the name of dominion and power.
• Am I boring you? / I could say more / We were headed for somewhere, but that was before / You traded in your peace sign / For a finger
• #9: Let the Day Begin (The Call - 1989)
• This is one of two songs from The Call in my top ten. This is the one that gets me rolling on those tough days when motivation escapes me.
• #8: A Song About Baseball (Bob Bennett - 1982)
• As a kid who was an awful baseball player with a loving dad, I took this song as nearly autobiographical for years. Then, one day, I realized it was about the love of God... and that my dad had done an amazing job of modeling that for me.
• Baseball caps and bubble gum / "I think there’s a hole in my glove" / Three-and-two, life and death / I was swinging with eyes closed / Holding my breath / I was dying on my way to the bench / But none of it mattered after the game / When my father would find me / And call out my name/ A soft drink, a snow cone, a candy bar / A limousine ride in the family car / He loved me no matter how I played / He loved me no matter how I played
• #7: If I Stand (Rich Mullins - 1988)
• Winds of Heaven, Stuff of Earth was the last album on Rich's initial record contract - and since the first two albums had not blown the doors off, Rich and his producer (Reed Arvin) were pretty sure this was gonna be the end. So, they decided to make the album they wanted to make... covering Dougie Maclean's "Ready for the Storm", for example. But there was a praise song ("Awesome God") on the album that got HUGE radio play and changed the trajectory of Rich's career. But it is the same song - this song! - that grabbed Andrew Peterson (see #13 on my list) and stands out to me as Rich's best work.
• So if I stand, let me stand on the promise / That You will pull me through / And if I can't, let me fall on the grace / That first brought me to You / And if I sing, let me sing for the joy / That has borne in me these songs / And if I weep, let it be as a man / Who is longing for his home
• #6: Carry On Wayward Son (Kansas - 1976)
• This song is how I became aware of Kansas back in the day… and it still holds up. (I've continued to follow the career of Kerry Livgren - he's put out some amazing albums with his band AD.)
• #5: Lust, The Flesh, The Eyes and the Pride of Life (The 77s - 1990)
• Taken from 1 John 2:16, Mike Roe and the band created an unbelievably honest look inside their hearts... and ours.
• Well, I see something, and I want it, bam / Right now / No questions asked / Don't worry how much it costs me now or later / I want it, want it, baby, and I want it fast / I'll go to any length, sacrifice all that I already have and all that I might get / Just to get something more that I don't need and Lord / Please don't ask me what for / The lust, the flesh, the eyes, and the pride of life / Drain the life right out of me
• #4: Man of No Reputation (Rick Elias - 1994)
• So, lots of online sources credit "Man of No Reputation" as a Rich Mullins song - probably because it appears on The Jesus Record which was released by the Ragamuffin Band after Rich's death. But it's not Rich's song - it was written by Rick Elias, who performed it on this record... and in MANY concert appearances with Rich & the Ragamuffin Band. Rich loved the song and would insist that Rick sing it.
• He was a Man of no reputation / And by the wise considered a fool / When He spoke about faith and forgiveness / In a time when the strongest arms ruled / But this Man of no reputation / Loves us all with relentless affection / And He loves all those poor in spirit / Come as you are / To the Man of no reputation
• #3: I Still Believe (Russ Taff - 1986)
• This classic 80s rocker by The Call (covered by Russ Taff) has been my personal anthem as I've faced church conflict and struggles over the last 30+ years. Hearing Russ sing it again a few weeks ago with tears running down his face was a gift - I too still believe.
• But I still believe, I still believe / Through the shame and through the grief / Through the heartache, through the tears / Through the waiting, through the years / For people like us in places like this / We need all the hope that we can get / Oh, I still believe!
• #2: The Finish Line (Steve Taylor - 1993)
• Some songs just feel like the artist has been following you around and wrote your life story. For me, this is that song.
• And I saw you licking your wounds / And I saw you weave your cocoons / And I saw you changing your tunes for the party line / And I saw you welsh on old debts / I saw you and your comrades bum cigarettes / And you hemmed and you hawed / And you hedged all your bets / Waiting for a sign / Let's wash our hands as we throw little fits / Let's all wash our hands as we curse hypocrites / We're locked in the washroom turning old tricks / Deaf / And joyless / And full of it
• #1: You Belong With Me (Tonio K - 1986)
• Though the album came out in 1986, Tonio K's masterpiece of a love song ended up on a mixtape I created for my soon-to-be wife in 1989. It's still "our song". (Bonus factoid: Maria McKee of Lone Justice is singing the backing vocals here.)
• Now I can tell / You're so afraid / You've been lied to and taken for granted / And treated like some kind of slave / I'm not after your freedom, I'm after your heart / And I know it's gonna happen / And I knew it right from the start

Top 100 Songs: #20-#11

It's the penultimate entry in my top 100 songs list...

• #20: Digee Dime (Burlap to Cashmere - 1998)
• The infectious rhythm coupled with the poetic lyrics sold me on this oddball band.
• Twisted castles in her hair / Building mountains in the air / Making profits, lending loans / Ancient TV's, rotary telephones / But within this misty cave / Lies a painter, blind but brave / Paints the story of where we've been / Where we are, where we could be
• #19: Comedian (Steve Taylor & The Perfect Foil - 2014)
• It had been nearly a decade since Steve Taylor had recorded an album… and here he came with a super-group (Peter Furler, John Mark Painter, Jimmy A), leaning into a similar (though not identical) vibe as his previous band (Chagall Guevera). There's a lot of great cuts on the album - but none of them are as profound and epic as this song.
• And didn’t I thank you from the dais? / And didn’t I do you good? / And didn’t I take up all your crosses / that were made of balsa wood?
• #18: Surprised (Resurrection Band - 1995)
• Resurrection Band had a storied history as one of the first "heavy" CCM bands - not to mention their serious street cred as a part of JPUSA (Jesus People USA), a Christian intentional community & church living in and serving the people of the Uptown neighborhood in Chicago. Bringing in Ty Tabor (King's X) to produce their album Lament kicked their blues-influenced hard rock into high gear.
• #17: Where the Streets Have No Name (U2 - 1987)
• U2 has a bunch of incredible songs… but "Streets" is the one that stops me in my tracks any time I hear it. 
• #16: Song for America (Kansas - 1975)
• I actually didn't know Song for America until I picked up their greatest hits album while in college… the first Kansas album I knew was Leftoventure. This is probably the prog rock-iest cut in my countdown - seeing as how it takes almost 3 minutes for a vocalist to show up. (Love this song.)
• #15: Jim Morrison's Grave (Steve Taylor - 1987)
• I just heard Steve Taylor perform this live a couple of weeks ago - and it was just as good almost forty years later.
• I'll let Steve do the talking about the song he wrote: "I guess he [Jim Morrison] thought of himself as somewhat of a "tortured artist" who not only believe that genius justifies cruelty but that genius and selfishness are inseparable. And that's really how he lived his life. He was very cruel to the people who were close to him, even the people who loved him. So this song is just my thought about going to the grave, almost a stream-of-consciousness lyric. "Jim Morrison's Grave" asks the age-old question: Does artistry justify being a weasel? The last line of the song is, "The music covers like an evening mist/Like a watch still ticking on a dead man's wrist." Morrison left the world some intriguing music. As far as I'm concerned, that's not enough."
• #14: The Medicine (Common Hymnal - 2021)
• A brilliant and moving gospel-tinged appeal for Biblical truth when it comes to racism and justice.
• What does it mean to have compassion for another? / How can I claim to love a God that I can't see? / If I can find the will to harm and kill my brother / Cause he neglected to look like me / I can speak the words of men and songs of angels / I can give all my possessions to the poor / But if your love can't move the mountain of my hatred / Somehow, I missed you, and I need you so much more
• #13: The Good Confession (I Believe) (Andrew Peterson - 2008)
• I first heard Andrew tell the story behind this song sitting in the fellowship hall of the church I pastored… he was playing a solo concert at our little church that night and I had the opportunity to talk with him. I can't do it justice - but you can listen to him talk about it as part of the tribute concert to Rich Mullins he hosted at the Ryman.
• Through the years / I barely fell; / I mostly dove right in. / I drank so deep / From the shallow well / Only to thirst again.
• #12: Broken Things (Julie Miller - 1991)
• The perfect match of Julie's voice and heart-rending lyrics.
• You can have my heart, though it isn't new / It's been used and broken, and only comes in blue / It's been down a long road, and it got dirty along the way / If I give it to you, will you make it clean and wash the shame away? / You can have my heart, if you don't mind broken things / You can have my life; you don't mind these tears / Well, I heard that you make old things new, so I give these pieces all to you / If you want it, you can have my heart
• #11: Life's Just Hard (Tonio K - 1999)
• A poignant reminder that everyone you meet is carrying something you can't see… by one of my favorite songwriters.
• Life's just hard / No matter who you are / No matter who you think you are / It's a fiery ordeal / You play your cards / And you say a prayer / And you look for love / If you’re lucky you find it there / 'Cause love is where it starts / But it's just hard

Top 100 Songs: #30-#21

So many good songs... and some of my writing on this one reminded me of a couple of songs that didn't make the list ("Beautiful Scandalous Night" and "Look Over Your Shoulder") that probably should or could have. Oh, yeah... happy birthday, Dave W.!

• #30: Breathe Deep (The Lost Dogs - 1992)
• The Lost Dogs is a CCM-alternative supergroup a little like The Traveling Wilburys… and this song is a thunderous ode to the expansive incredible nature of the grace of God.
• Politicians, morticians, philistines, homophobes / Skinheads, dead heads, tax evaders, street kids / Alcoholics, workaholics, wise guys, dimwits / Blue collars, white collars, war mongers, peaceniks / Breathe deep / Breathe deep the breath of God / Breathe deep / Breathe deep the breath of God
• #29: Satisfied Mind (Ben Harper & The Blind Boys of Alabama - 2004)
• Ben Harper teamed up with The Blind Boys of Alabama to create one of the best gospel albums of the 00s… and this is the song that keeps running through my head.
• How many times have you heard someone say / "If I had his money I'd do things my way" / But little they know that it's so hard to find / One rich man in ten with a satisfied mind
• #28: Leave It Like It Is (David Wilcox - 1989)
• The final verse is a bit on the nose… but this song has reminded me over & over to readjust my perspective.
• #27: It's Love (King's X - 1990)
• I came to King's X late… but those first three albums are still golden for me. And this rock anthem is still my favorite song of theirs. (Though "Over My Head" is pretty darn good as well.)
• #26: Sunset Grill (Don Henley - 1984)
• I've always thought that Don Henley's solo music captures a very Los Angeles vibe - and this song (along with "Boys of Summer" and "Garden of Allah") is proof positive of that.
• You see a lot more meanness in the city / It's the kind that eats you up inside / Hard to come away with anything that feels like dignity / Hard to get home with any pride
• #25: Restore My Soul (The Choir - 1990)
• The Choir has had an amazing career - and their genius has touched so many albums that are not their own (including the amazing Clouds Rain Fire worship album). This song is the one that haunts me - both for the lyrical content that sounds like they eavesdropped on my heart and for the amazing musical break/outro at the end of it.
• I call to you / With one lung exploded / From breathing the dust of the earth / With my tongue eroded / From licking the crust of the earth / A tear away from reconciled / A prayer away from whole / Restore my soul
• #24: Double Cure (Vigilantes of Love - 1996)
• My favorite Vigilantes song… flat out. My favorite version is the acoustic take on the V.O.L. album.  (Had a neat online moment a couple of weeks ago when I commented about "Double Cure" and Bill Mallonee himself replied to let me know it was still in his live set.)
• So tired of all my toys / They never last for long / They keep beaming dreams and wishes / To a big dish on my front lawn / I wanna drink out of that fountain / On a hill called double cure / I wanna show you my allegiance, Lord /  Yes, I wanna be a son of Yours
• #23: The Kingdom Is Yours (Common Hymnal - 2017)
• Thanks to the wonderful worship pastor at our church (go, Bethany Bailey!), I was introduced to this song and the amazing collective that is Common Hymnal. I can't sing it without crying.
• Blessed are the ones who fight for justice / Longing for the coming day of peace /  Blessed is the soul that thirsts for righteousness /  Welcoming the last, the lost, the least/ The Kingdom is yours / The Kingdom is yours / Hold on a little more, this is not the end / Hope is in the Lord, keep your eyes on Him
• #22: It Did (Brad Paisley - 2007)
• And now for something completely different - country music! My wife liked a couple of Brad Paisely songs ("Flowers" in particular) and so we listened to some more of his songs… and then stumbled across "It Did" - which isn't exactly our romance/life story but certainly feels like it.
• Tears of joy in my mommas eyes / Her daddy walkin' her down the aisle / He lifted that veil and I saw that smile / And I said / To myself / It doesn't get better than this / No it doesn't get better than this / But it did
• #21: Strong Hand of Love (Bruce Cockburn - 1994)
• Bruce Cockburn is better known for "If I Had a Rocket Launcher" - but this cover of Mark's Heard signature song is my favorite recording from him.
• Young dreamers explode like popped balloons / Some kind of emotional rodeo / Learning too slow and acting too soon / Time marches away like a lost platoon / We gracefully age as we feel the weight / Of loving too late and leaving too soon / We can laugh and we can cry / And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows / We can dance and we can sigh / And never see the strong hand of love hidden in the shadows

Top 100 Songs: #40-#31

OK, I admit it. Two different artists have two songs each in this ten song stretch.

• #40: Hero (Steve Taylor - 1984)
• There are multiple versions of this song that Steve recorded… but I'm still drawn to the original '84 recording, synthesizers and all. (Got to see Steve perform this live last Sunday night - singing along at the top of my lungs.)
• Hero / it's a nice-boy notion that the real world's gonna destroy / you know / it's a Marvel comic book Saturday matinee fairytale, boy / Growing older you'll find / that illusions are bought, / and the idol you thought you'd be / was just another zero. / I wanna be a hero.
• #39: Mr. Blue Sky (ELO - 1977)
• The first record album I bought with my own money was ELO's Out of the Blue… and almost instantly this was my favorite song on the record. When the tune starts playing over the initial fight scene of Guardians of the Galaxy 2, I couldn't keep the grin off my face.
• #38: Once in a Lifetime (Talking Heads - 1983)
• Stop Making Sense still ranks as one of the best concert films ever made. Full stop.
• #37: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (U2 - 1987)
• Interestingly, the gospel version in the Rattle & Hum film (also a great concert movie) and the gospel version on the soundtrack record are not identical - but both are excellent.
• #36: Miami 2017 (Billy Joel - 1976)
• I found Billy Joel's SONGS IN THE ATTIC cassette in a bargain bin late in my college years - nearly a decade after the original recording of the song. So it's not a surprise that I love the Songs in the Attic live version the best.
• #35: Hold Me Jesus (Rich Mullins - 1993)
• Rich's heartfelt prayer rips me up every stinkin' time.
• Surrender don't come natural to me / I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want / Than to take what You give that I need
• #34: Almost Threw It All Away (Charlie Peacock - 1990)
• Charlie's confessional song about marriage gains even more resonance 35 years down the line… both in his marriage and in my own.
• #33: Elijah (Rich Mullins - 1986)
• Like Steve Taylor's "Hero", there are multiple recordings of this song by Rich - but the stripped down piano-based one from his debut album is still my favorite. I want this song played at my memorial service when I die. 
• #32: S.O.S. (Julie Miller - 1993)
• "Sick of Sex" (abbreviated title due to her skittish record label) is a blistering indictment of a culture that has lost the thread when it comes to physical intimacy. Julie (along with her husband Buddy) are some of the icons of American roots music. This song, however, is rock'n'roll.
• #31: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant (Billy Joel - 1977)
• It's a mini-musical/rock opera that not only tells the story well but uses the music to draw us inside it. I first heard it as a junior high school student and have never gotten it out of my head.

#77: Res Arcana (Mark's Top 100 - 2026)

Res Arcana

BoardGameGeek 

• rank: 180
• rating: 7.6
• published: 2019 
• designer: Tom Lehmann

Print Status

• in print

Why It's On The List

• You'd think that a game with an eight card individual player deck would feel claustrophobic - instead, it's the entry point to a brilliant Tom Lehmann design that challenges each player to build a victory point engine while defending themselves against the direct and indirect challenges of the other players.

Tips & Tricks:

• Proper assessment of your deck at the beginning of the game is vital.
• Like many of Tom's designs, the speed curve is slow for the first couple of turns and then accelerates rapidly toward the end of the game. 
• You can win without taking a Place of Power - but it's not easy to do.
• You don't have to "crank" every card in your tableau - sometimes it's smarter to pass and grab the magic item you need.

Extras

• The first expansion - Lux et Tennebrae - adds some nice variety to the system and a couple of new mechanics that don't overwhelm game play. (Note: my son noted that there's a lot more Tennebrae and not very much Lux in the expansion.)
• The second expansion - Perlae Imperii - throws more new curves into the system - but again without overwhelming the incredibly solid base game.
• Res Arcana Duo is a two player version of the game... but I just put all of the content into my box to give the system even more variety.
• The production of Res Arcana is gorgeous - and the box is appropriately sized for the components - including all three expansions!
• This is the second of seven(!) Tom Lehmann game designs on my list. 

Ruminations on Game Themes & Christianity

• I've been asked about my comfort level with the darker/sorcery-based elements of the theme of Res Arcana as a follower of Christ. This isn't the first time (nor will it be the last time) that this kind of question is raised.
• Rather than reinvent the wheel, here are some things I've written at different times over the years on this very subject.
• I was asked in an interview if a game's theme can go "too far". Here are my thoughts:
• Everybody has a belief system of some sort, which includes ethical & moral considerations.
• If a game (or a movie or a book or whatever) violates those beliefs, you should not - if you want to stay true to your belief system - partake of it.
• Just because something does not fit your ethical or moral schema does not mean it should be outlawed for everyone else.
• Therefore, people are going to play games I think are morally reprehensible... I am under no obligation to play them nor are they under any obligation to avoid them because of my beliefs.
• In a different interview, I was asked "Do you think that there are games that are actually a detriment to play? Just how important is philosophy in a game?" My (very long) response follows.
• The first time I remember struggling with this is back in the golden days of D&D... yes, children, back when we oldsters had to walk uphill 5 miles in the snow both ways to the game store to buy The Village of Hommlet module, and then wait forEVER for the The Temple of Elemental Evil to come out. (Still bitter about that one, TSR.)
• I grew up in church, and there was a substantial section of folks in the evangelical subculture who felt that D&D was evil and/or dangerous. While their opinions didn't stop me from playing, I did choose to run my 3 year campaign (I was the DM) as a "one God" universe... and didn't allow players to have full-out evil characters. My strong feeling at the time was that I wanted a world that I liked... a world that reflected my values. So, characters got "punished" when they were cruel or rude or unwise – and "rewarded" for altruistic behavior.
• I continue to struggle with this: it's easy for me to pick out games that offend me (the aforementioned Hellrail and Lunch Money), but you're actually touching on a bigger question. For years, my response to someone trashing fantasy/magic-based games has been, well, kind of lame. It's consisted of pointing out the logical flaw in the argument: if the objection to playing D&D/Talisman/Magic: the Gathering/etc. is based on the fact that these games encourage anti-Biblical behavior, you've got a problem if you play Monopoly, which clearly "teaches" players to run each other into the ground. Like I said, it's not the world's best argument (negative arguments seldom are), but it's served me well over the years.
• But the real question is: what ARE games "teaching" us? When we play Family Business, are we really learning how to "rub out" the competition, Mafia-style? When we engage in the free-wheeling backstabbing of Intrige, will that transfer over to the rest of our lives?
• The answer is: it depends. Over time, I've come to believe that someone with a strong belief system can engage cultural items (movies, music, games, tv shows, magazines, etc.) with thoughtful discernment. They can think through the implications of the work/items they're interacting with and discard those assumptions/philosophies that are harmful. To continue my gaming example, I can play Family Business without choosing to actually shoot someone... or, more to the point, without taking that "every man for himself/king of the mountain" philosophy back into my work or family life. Or, frankly, even into the next game.
• What concerns me is that there are lots of folks who lack:
• a. strong belief systems (note: I didn't say Christianity... while I believe that a relationship with Jesus is the best way to live & the only way to die, what I'm talking about here does not require a belief in a Higher Power)
• b. discernment skills - For them, it's a crapshoot as to how they'll deal with any kind of cultural input. In the same vein, kids don't have these kind of necessary filters in place.
• So, I think games (and commercials & movies & newspapers, yadda yadda yadda) have the ability to "teach" us both good & bad behavior choices and systems, if we let them do so without thinking about them. It depends upon our willingness to stay engaged rather than let our brains & hearts pickle in philosophies & ideas unconsidered. (And, since kids have less ability to do that, helping them choose wisely about the games they play - and teaching them those discernment skills.) The line gets fuzzier when you go from playing games which encourage questionable actions (whether it's the bluffing/lying of Liar's Dice or the cutthroat nature of Diplomacy) to games with questionable themes. Can immersing yourself in a particular theme be a problem?
• Again, the answer is a squishy "it depends." A non-gaming example: because of my personal beliefs & struggles, I am VERY careful about the films & television shows I watch. A long addiction to viewing pornography (finally broken with God's help) means that I choose not to see films that feature sexually charged scenes and/or nudity... I don't want to start the cycle again. (It's similar to recovering alcoholics choosing not to hang out in bars.) It may seem "prudish" to you, but it's a healthy & wise choice for me.
• The same is true in gaming terms. While I never experienced any kind of attraction to occultic practice while playing D&D, I can see where someone who had struggled with this would find D&D (and fantasy fiction & the like) something to avoid.
• I'm not sure this is a complete answer - I find myself comfortable & yet uncomfortable with some of the games I play and/or own. While they don't bother me, I'm sure they would be a problem for other people, and so I'm still dealing with the implications of those feelings.

Top 100 Songs: #50-#41

My musings are getting longer as we get into the top 50...

• #50: Graceland (Paul Simon - 1986)
• I've actually written an entire deeply theological post based on this song… which I fully admit is not what Paul Simon intended when he wrote and recorded it.
• #49: If the House Burns Down Tonight (Switchfoot - 2016)
• A great rocker of a song - with a lyric about what really matters.
• "And all those lies that mattered most to me / Were draining me dry making a ghost of me / And if the house burns down tonight / I got everything I need, everything I need / There’s a fire coming that we all will go through / You possess your possessions or they possess you / And if the house burns down tonight / I got everything I need when I got you by my side / And let the rest burn"
• #48: Hard to Get (Rich Mullins - 1998)
• I have always appreciated Rich's honesty and faith, his humor mixed with seriousness. This is the guy who walked into the Christian bookstore I worked at looking for Frederick Buechner books... and then told me that he "punished" bad audiences by refusing to play my favorite song of his, "Elijah".
• The week before he died in a car accident (in September of 1997), Rich Mullins sat down in an abandoned church with a cassette recorder to make a demo of the nine songs that would eventually become The Jesus Record. "Hard to Get" is a plaintive psalm both questioning God and leaning on faith in Him.
• "What I really need to know / Is if You who live in eternity / Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time / We can't see what's ahead / And we cannot get free from what we've left behind..."
• There are two versions of this song:
• the Rick Elias & the Ragamuffins cover recorded after Rich's death...
• And the demo version recorded by Rich... which I can't listen to without weeping like a baby...
• #47: I Will Be Here (Steven Curtis Chapman - 1989)
• Shari & I got married in 1990… and we had this very new song sung at our wedding. It was the first time we'd heard it used as part of a ceremony - it would not be the last. It still does an amazing job of saying what we feel and believe about our relationship.
• #46: Wasted Time (The Eagles - 1977)
• Probably my favorite Eagles song… possibly because it sounds like it could easily be on one of Don Henley's solo albums.
• #45: This Is The Way Love Is (The 77s - 1990)
• This should have been a hit single - of course, seeing as it centers around a weird metaphor for the love of God, maybe that was unlikely. But, man, what a song.
• #44: You Don't Belong Here (Tonio K - 1986)
• There are four songs from a single album on this list - this moody rocker has the best 2nd verse lyrics ever.
• "She said / It's like walking through fire / It's like shedding your skin / You throw your clothes out the window / You face the person within / It's like dying in public / It's like learning to fly / Leaving the world behind you / It's like being born twice"
• #43: I Will Not Go Quietly (Don Henley - 1989)
• This is "speak the truth even if your voice shakes" in pure late 80s rock form. It's been an anthem for me at different points in my life.
• #42: Is He Worthy? (Andrew Peterson - 2018)
• Andrew Peterson has recorded three thematic albums around the death & resurection of Christ - this worship song from "Resurrection Letters, Vol. 1" brings me to tears every time I sing it in church or hear it playing…
• #41: MT (The 77s - 1990)
• "More Than" (MT) is the opening salvo of The 77s "Sticks & Stones" album - they've recorded the song since then but I like this version the best.

Top 100 Songs: #60-#51

We're finally reaching the halfway point...

• #60: Desperado (The Eagles - 1973)
• I knew the song from listening to K-Earth "sounds of the 60s & 70s" growing up in L.A. - but I have a distinct memory of running into it a book of hymns & choruses for youth group. (I just can't figure out which book…)
• #59: Earth Has No Sorrow, Heaven Can't Heal (Vigilantes of Love - 1992)
• The first time I heard this was Bill Malonee performing solo at a gathering of GenX church planters in 1997… and I was blown away.
• #58: Satellite (The Hooters - 1987)
• The combination of cynicism and rock'n'roll hoedown just works.
• #57: Sliver (Hokus Pick - 1997)
• Not their most popular song… but one that speaks deeply to me. (I saw them live multiple times when they were still together - what a fun band.) 
• WARNING: the track of this song was combined with a really bad "comedy bit" that makes it nearly 30 minutes long - just listen to the 4 1/2 minutes song.
• #56: Into Your Arms (The Lemonheads - 1993)
• I was sad to hear about the mental health collapse of the lead singer (including criminal behavior)… that doesn't change my warm feelings for this song which expresses both the way I feel about my bride of 35+ years as well as the love of God. (Yes, we used it as a worship song in the church I planted back in the late 90s.)
• #55: Toxic (Chris Llewellyn - 2023)
• The rap part is just OK… but the chorus has been a refrain in my life as I attempt to disentangle my faith in Jesus from the cultural practices that try & choke it out.
• #54: Should I Stay or Should I Go? (The Clash - 1982)
• The Clash had such a huge influence on artists I love: Steve Taylor & Hokus Pick for starters. And this song shows why.
• #53: Girlfriend is Better (Talking Heads - 1983)
• The music library at Baylor had a growing collection of high-end CDs in the mid-1980s… so when I needed to study, I go to that floor and put on headphones to cut out all the noise. One evening, I checked out the Stop Making Sense soundtrack… and I was hooked.
• #52: The Word is Love (Rick Elias - 1990)
• Rick was probably better known as one of the artists behind "That Thing You Do" - but his debut album has a number of great songs on it.
• #51: You'll Find Your Way (Andrew Peterson - 2012)
• Andrew wrote this song for his son… but in the insanity of the end of my time in vocational ministry and leaving the church I'd pastored for nearly a decade, it was a lifeline for me.

Top 100 Songs: #70-#61

The fourth installment of my top 100 songs - and, yes, there's two songs by the same artist off of the same album. (The whole album is just that good - even 40 years later.)

• #70: That's Ex-Doormat to You (This Train - 1995)
• There are some great break-up songs… but none that make me laugh as hard as this one - "Sorry when you want to yell I just can't hear your shouts / Now I live so far away, wish I could help you out / But I realized I'm no punching bag, and I know you hate that / So now you'll have to do without, or get yourself a cat".
• #69: Mess of Me (Switchfoot - 2009)
• A fervent prayer wrapped in distorted guitars.
• #68: You Can Call Me Al (Paul Simon - 1986)
• This pop-y highly danceable song about confusion and hope lands not because Chevy Chase is in the video but because of the stunning musicianship on display.
• #67: Outdoor Elvis (Swirling Eddies - 1989)
• This homage to Blue Hawaii is also a thoughtful (and humorous) look at how we obsess about fame and famous people.
• #66: You Will Go Free (Tonio K - 1986)
• Tonio K's Romeo Unchained album is filled with amazing songs - this is the first of four that ended up on my top 100 list.
• #65: Falling Slowly (Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - 2006)
• Yes, we first heard it in the film "Once" - but the haunting duet continues to worm its way into my brain.
• #64: Hold It Up to the Light (David Wilcox - 1994)
• I first heard David Wilcox on an NPR radio show performing some of his songs in the studio… and promptly drove to a record store and bought his album. Such an amazing storyteller.
• #63: Love Reign O'er Me (The Who - 1973)
• I've never seen "Quadrophenia" (which this song is from)… but the soaring sweep of the song blows me away.
• #62: Hawkmoon 269 (U2 - 1988)
• There's a lot of mystery about the title of this song (which was relegated to the Rattle & Hum album without appearing in the film)… but this declaration of love (to God? to a woman?) grabs me.
• #61: Perfect World (Tonio K - 1986)
• Yes, another song off "Romeo Unchained"… this plaintive song about the loss of a relationship has been covered by a number of folks (Glen Burtick, ALIAS, What If, etc.) but I still think this is the best version.